Home > Uncategorized > How To Give Your Self a Sense of Freedom with a Secure-Base

How To Give Your Self a Sense of Freedom with a Secure-Base

September 11, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Give yourself freedom by giving yourself unconditional emotional support.

There are studies that magnify the impact that a secure-base has on childhood. Secure-base access and coherent family relations are significant sources for security and emotion regulation in children.

What is a Secure-Base?
What secure-base means is that an infant has access to a caregiver that provides them with the sense of “I’m alright.”  The baby can always go to the caregiver if something happens, and that caregiver will provide them with a sense of love and emotional comfort.

As the baby receives this, they go on to venture away from the mother more and more.  They start to try new things and see what happens.  If anything startles them, they can run back to their mother for support, then go back to exploring the world.

When babies, such as in orphanages, didn’t have this sense of a home base of security, they had significant struggles and negative consequences.  They become severely depressed and inhibited.  They show retarded growth and suffer in other areas of life, such as learning, in comparison to other children.

Secure-Base is Relevant Across the Lifespan
Studies show that having a secure-base is relevant across the lifespan.  This means that adults who lack a secure-base will also be more reluctant to go out and explore, try new things, and know that if something bad happens they will have something to fall back on.  They will also be more prone to depression, and all those other nasty symptoms.

Although we don’t technically need a “mommy” when we are adults, as we tend to form secure-bases with intimate others and friends, and there are plenty of other sources of security such as money, brains, beauty, and status, one thing that occurred to me is, what if I gave myself my OWN secure-base?

What if every day, I told myself, no matter what happens at the end of the day, I will still love you?  This may sound a little out there, but how many of us honestly give ourselves the credit we deserve?

How many of us actually accept who we are, instead of beating ourselves up for what we aren’t?

I sat down and thought of ways I could provide myself with a secure-base from which I knew I could always return to.  Since I am technically trapped with myself and can’t really get away from me (that cute bastard), talking positively to myself is an obvious way to do this.  There are also other ways I can return to a calm state of mind, where I get my head on straight, and realize that failures, embarrassments, shortcomings, are all nonsense and in the grand scheme of life, when I die those will not matter.  What will matter, is if I lived life as best as I could, and not limiting myself from trying out new things due to fear and a lack of security.

Some possible ways I came up with to provide myself with a secure-base include:

  • Talking to myself positively
  • Meditation
  • Exercise
  • Writing (Just Barely Discovered This One)

Within those areas, I have found that I am able to stop and realize that life is a gift and I shouldn’t worry obsessively.  With the knowledge that I can return to these areas whenever I need to, this will allow myself to go out and live life, knowing that no matter what happens, I can return to things such as writing to clear my head and know I am in fact alright and not a rare human being who is exceptionally flawed compared to the rest (6,868,221,253 as of 22:23 UTC (EST+5) Sep 11, 2010).

Also notice how I said I just barely found out about writing.  I recently have been writing my feelings down and they sometimes evolve into poem like passages, and have found that this helps me immensely.  This means that by giving yourself a secure-base from which allows you to explore the world, you may find even more sources for security, or even find a new passion.

What things in life have brought you equanimity?  Do you allow yourself to participate in those activities at least a few times a week?  If not, why?

This is life.  A crazy experience that none of us can really figure out but instead look on in wonder.  If you find yourself stressing about your job to the point you are causing your heart to want to seize, take a break and realize you will be alright.  You deserve it to allow yourself to have a good time every now and then, to unwind, and give yourself a secure-base from which to work from.  Losing your job will not kill you, but worrying about losing your job, will.

Sources
Waters, E., & Cummings, E. M. (2000). A Secure Base from Which to Explore Close Relationships. Child Development, 164-172.

The World’s Population from http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html.

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